Great Tidings of Comfort and Joy!
Steve has done another great job of finding the real value in a long book. Here's the "takeaway" in just 1,000 words – a 4 minute read.
It's something realistically nice with which to start the New Year.
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The Better Angels of Our Nature: why violence has declined. Stephen Pinker (NY, Viking Press, 2011)Book Review.
If you have ever despaired of humanity because of all the violence and injustice in the world, this book is a lovely breath of fresh air and optimism. However, despite its clarity and fascinating thoroughness and detail, it is also a long breath. I think it’s likely that even those who buy the book may not find time to read the nearly 700 pages of small print. (I had the luxury of a vacation, and it still took me a week.) So I thought you might appreciate a brief sharing of a few of the books highlights. There are many reviews of this excellent book online; I will only add a few thoughts for those who may not get around to reading it.
Pinker first demonstrates that violence of all kinds — from tribal and national wars to infanticide — has declined steadily by a factor of 100 since Medieval times. This conclusion is based on analysis of hundreds of datasets, and the book includes a compelling array of figures and graphs showing this basic trend. This puts current violence into perspective, and holds out significant hope that the decline will continue.
After establishing the evidence for the decline, Pinker goes on to ask the question, “What accounts for the change?” He carefully examines many different factors that could have played a role, checking across cultures through time, and noticing where there are consistent correlations. I don’t have space for Pinker’s thorough and thoughtful reviews and analyses, only for a few interesting conclusions — and a couple of quotes from the book so you can sample the flavor of his writing.
One factor is the rise of democracies, which are based on periodic voter feedback. Democracy is based on the assumption that people with different ideas and desires can usually work things out without fighting and killing each other. Even when a “democracy” is deeply flawed or entirely bogus, the idea of democracy and universal rights has a near universal appeal, and sooner or later people are likely to demand some substance beneath the idea.
An increase in empathy (a word that is only a century old!) is clearly a major factor. One factor that surprised me with its simplicity and obviousness is the impact of the invention of the printing press. While initially it was used only for religious texts, after the late 17th century, books became more widespread, and the rise of the novel increased people’s experience of others’ viewpoints, and this was correlated with a further decrease in violence.
Reading is a technology for perspective-taking. When someone else’s thoughts are in your head, you are observing the world from that person’s vantage point. Not only are you taking in sights and sounds that you could not experience first-hand, but you have stepped inside that person’s mind and are temporarily sharing his or her attitudes and reactions.
. . .
Slipping even for a moment into the perspective of someone who is turning black in a pillory, or desperately pushing burning faggots away from her body or convulsing under the two hundredth stroke of the lash may give a person second thoughts as to whether these cruelties should ever be visited upon anyone. (p. 175)
Another factor was the rise of central governments with effective laws and enforcement. When you can reasonably hope that most criminals will be brought to justice, there is much less incentive to take matters into your own hands — and likely be brought to justice yourself. Pinker quotes a Croat who described the situation in pre-breakup Yugoslavia, “There was a policeman every hundred meters who made sure that we all loved each other very much.”
These are only a few examples of the many, many aspects of a fundamental shift in human consciousness that this book documents and explores, much of which has taken place within the last hundred years. Though Pinker is very careful not to make predictions, the trajectory is clear, and gives us hope for a future with even less violence. I would like to end this review with Pinker’s closing paragraphs:
To review the history of violence is to be repeatedly astounded by the waste of it all, and at times to be overcome with anger, disgust, and immeasurable sadness. I know that behind the graphs is a young man who feels a stab of pain and watches the life drain slowly out of him, knowing that he has been robbed of decades of existence. There is a victim of torture whose contents of consciousness have been replaced by unbearable agony, leaving room only for the desire that consciousness itself should cease. There is a woman who has learned that her husband, her father, and her brothers lie dead in a ditch, and who will soon ‘fall into the hand of hot and forcing violation.’ It would be terrible if these ordeals befell one person, or ten, or a hundred. But the numbers are not in the hundreds, the thousands, or even the millions, but in the hundreds of millions—an order of magnitude that the mind staggers to comprehend, with deepening horror as it comes to realize just how much suffering has been inflicted by the naked ape upon its own kind.
Yet while this planet has gone cycling on according to the fixed law of gravity, that species has also found ways to bring the numbers down, and allow a greater and greater proportion of humanity to live in peace and die of natural causes. For all the tribulations in our lives, for all the troubles that remain in the world, the decline of violence is an accomplishment we can savor, and an impetus to cherish the forces of civilization and enlightenment that made it possible. (p. 696)
The Better Angels of Our Nature: Why Violence Has Declined on Amazon.com
Great Tidings of Comfort and Joy! – Steve Andreas' NLP Blog
Posted: 23 Dec 2011 02:26 PM PST
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New Product: Hot Dang, we're at it again: Portable NLP Practitioner Goes With You, Putting NLP to work for you, on your terms.
For years we published a large classroom edition of our popular NLP Practitioner Home Study Program known as the "Living Encyclopedia of NLP." During the five years it was in print, more than 300 people bought copies at prices averaging over $2,200. Then production costs went through the roof, and we had to cease production.
Last month one of those good folk (who paid over $2,200 for his) had an excellent suggestion for creating a more portable, less expensive, compact version. Combined with the changes in the economy it made sense: Create a less expensive option that's easier to use.
So we went to a "small batch" process and reduced production costs to create the new "Portable NLP Practitioner" – home study program. The savings of over $1,000 will only matter if this is right for you. And you might even get a little extra tax deduction this year. Wouldn't that help it make sense? 
So: Click here to find out more
That's it for this year. Thanks for reading and being part of our community! We'll have a lot of new developments for you starting as soon as next week, so stay tuned!
Cheers,
Tom Dotz
NLP graduate Renée Stevens has really hit a home run with a new book about her unique weight loss program. René created an amazing program based on her own experiences and use of NLP to transform her body issues.
Here's what Amazon has to say about her book "Full-Filled: The 6-Week Weight-Loss Plan for Changing Your Relationship with Food-and Your Life-from the Inside Out:"
"Through her Inside Out Weight Loss Program and seminars, along with podcasts downloaded more than 3 million times, Renée Stephens has helped countless people free themselves from emotional eating to achieve the body and life they've always desired.
Now, in her first book, she shares the breakthrough lessons of her popular work and develops them into a complete, step-by-step program: Full-Filled: The 6-Week Weight- Loss Plan for Changing Your Relationship with Food-and Your Life-from the Inside Out.
With Full-Filled, you will gain freedom from dieting as you use some of the world's most advanced mind and behavior-changing techniques. An intuitive and easy weight-loss program, Full-Filled will open the door to bigger transformations in your life. Not only will you drop excess physical pounds with Renée's expert guidance, you will get to the root of why you eat and you will lose your spiritual weight-by identifying why you eat the way you do and finding better ways to satisfy your true hunger without food.
And if you order now, you can have it in your hands for the New Year!
Cheers,
Tom Dotz
What stops you in life? If not a lack of actual physical resources, it's usually negative emotions, usually fear. Learning to rapidly recognize when that is the case can save a lot of wasted time and effort solving non-existent problems.
Here's a story that will help you with this special kind of sensory awareness.
Next week I'll follow up with the next step: ways to relieve fears and anxieties.
Enjoy,
Tom Dotz
Word Count 1,372 Reading time: 5.48
You might think the "Sound of Fear" is something like a scream or a yell. But that would be the sound of fear in a movie like "Saw 4" or "Chainsaw Square Dance", etc.
In real life, most people hear the "Sound of Fear" several times a day. They don’t even know it, and it robs them of their dreams.
Personally I've never heard this sound.
Right, not more than two or three thousand times.
Here’s a story that took place during Hot Seats at a Mastermind meeting a while ago.
One of the benefits of masterminding is that you see the inside workings of a lot of businesses without having to own or run them. Multiplies your experience. Even though I already have a lot of experience, more doesn’t hurt.
I've been in the work force since I left home at age sixteen. Over 40 occupations. And I've been in a couple of Fortune 500 asylums as well as starting several businesses in different industries.
The issues always seem to be the same, whether you’re wearing jeans or three-piece suits.
They are about people, and not so much about what people know as how they feel. And what they feel mostly, is fear.
Back to this Mastermind meeting.
There was a young woman on the Hot Seat and she was talking about how she wanted to move her mother from out-of-state to a house near her and her kids.
"Mom's getting older and I want her to be in my kids' life while she’s here. And besides, with Dad gone we're all the family she has who can take care of her when she needs it."
I don't think she was aware that she was twisting a tissue around and around one of her fingers, then unwinding it and starting again.
"So, what stops you from buying a house and moving her down here?" Someone asked.
"Look, I'm working 60 hours a week now running my business and I need to spend SOME time with my kids! I can't work any harder to make any more money."
"Huh?" I thought to myself. "That's weird."
I knew some of her clients and they loved her. Her business was booming with no end in sight. She was already working hard enough. And maybe even too hard.
So, what's the deal here?
I asked, "You have enough money to put a down payment on a house for your mother?"
She said, "Yeah, sure."
I said, "You have enough income to support two households?"
"Yeah, I do."
"So you have enough money to get her a house,” I said. “And you have enough to carry both households. I don't understand why you don't just go ahead and pick out a house for your mother and move her near you right now. Am I missing something?"
I just stopped with that question and looked at her.
The tissue twisted around her finger, untwisted, twisted again. She shifted in her chair and stared at her boyfriend, as if he would tell her the answer.
Then she said, "I, I just don't know about the future – I mean, what's gonna happen."
Her boyfriend and I locked eyes and nodded at each other.
GOTCHA!
That last statement was the sound of her fear.
I said, "Look, do you think you're ever going to know what's going to happen? You started a business with no money while your kids were in diapers and you've built it up into a successful operation."
She just looked at me, her eyes getting shiny.
"You've already beat some long odds, and no one ever knows what the future's going to bring. When are you going to feel safe enough to do what you want?"
She smiled, dabbed at her eyes with the wadded up tissue and said, "Now, I guess."
As she stood up we all applauded her.
Then came an athletic-looking guy in his early forties. He was currently working as a software engineer. In his spare time he was a bicycle racer and he had an idea for a related business that really turned him on.
He was having trouble deciding when he should leave his well paid but boring job to try this sports business that he was so hot about.
We tried several different ways to get the guy to share how he would know when he was ready to launch his effort.
No luck.
Finally I said, "Look. I think your business idea's worth trying. Several of people here have already told you they'd give you some business.
"We've tried for ten minutes to get you to tell us what you had to accomplish before you were ready to leave your job. So far, you haven't been able to tell us what's holding you back."
Another long silence. The guy looked at his hands, his shoes, the wall, everywhere but at me.
"I don't know," he said.
"All right, you don't know,” I said. “Nothing wrong with that. But tell me, if you DID know what's holding you back, what might it be?"
Another long silence, and then the guy said, "I guess I'm thinking it might not turn out."
There it was. Another "Sound of Fear"
Now that I know what it is, I realize that I've been hearing this sound all my life. I've sounded like this myself.
Here's what struck me about this experience.
Both of these smart hardworking people were scared. But they didn't look scared. And they didn't sound scared. They didn't scream or faint.
Truth is, they didn't even KNOW they were scared until being in the Hot Seat gave them a chance to really explore what was behind their reluctance to live their dreams. When each of them shined a light on their fears — there was nothing there!
Has a "Not ready" signal ever gone blinking in your mind, keeping you from reaching for something that your heart swelled up for?
Have you sighed, and relaxed and put your dream on a shelf until you were "ready"? Did you drop the takeoff attempt before knowing what you really needed to be able to fly?
So you neglect your dream, waiting for a "Go" signal that will never come because the rules for "Go" have never been explored.
You might listen closely the next time you're dreaming about some future desire. See if the reasons for waiting are not the "Sound of Fear" instead of the sound of logic and fact.
Oh, yeah. You want to know how the software engineer with the bicycle business dream turned out? Here's what went on between him and me.
"So, you think the new business might not turn out? I guess that's reasonable. It might not turn out. And I'm wondering, since there's no way to know how it will turn out until you try, what would happen if you tried it and it did in fact fail?"
The guy looked at the wall over my head for a moment while he considered this, then he said, "Well, I could just come back to this business and get more work. There's always plenty of software work for a guy like me."
"And then what?" I asked.
"Why, then I would save up some money and try it again, using what I learned the first time to do it better the second time!"
His face was relaxed and lit up with excitement.
"And if that one blows too, I'll just go back into software and get more money and try it again, until I learn enough to make it work!"
I smiled and said, "Sounds like a plan. That it for you?"
The guy stood up smiling, and said, "Yeah. That's it for me.”
And the next person walked up to the Hot Seat.
You know, you don't really need to get on a Hot Seat. Any chair in your house will do. You just need a place to relax and ask yourself what holds you back from your next dream.
And listen carefully for the "Sound of Fear". Then ask yourself if the fears are really deal breakers or just some scary noises in the background. And if they are, turn them off.
Seeya,
Tom
© 2011 TomHoobyar.com
PS: If you've been reading these emails for a while, you remember the "Living Encyclopedia of NLP".
Well, we sold out of them in May, but the Board decided this week to release two copies that were being held for archival purposes. So you have one more "last chance" to get yours. Click Here to get the details.
"Tom Hoobyar has left the building"
A few years ago Tom Hoobyar was the regular writer of this newsletter. His stories and examples of using NLP in real life, not just in therapy sessions, were warmly received. Then his business took him in a different direction. His last official newsletter had that title.
Now he has truly "left the building." On September 25 after a very brief encounter with pancreatic cancer, Tom died.
Tom was a great friend, collaborator and colleague of mine. He was also a great friend to the NLP world. He made many contributions to NLP including his design and creation of the "NLP Café." The NLP Café was one of the largest and most long lasting independent, self led personal development forums based on NLP.
In creating the NLP Café he left you a legacy.
Part of it is the manual for creating and operating your own NLP Café. We've given away hundreds of these manuals as free downloads, and as part of our tribute to Tom, we will continue to do so as long as we are around.
Tom was an exceptional student of NLP, and an exceptional man. He was part of our Board, a key person in the furthering of NLP Comprehensive's mission and purpose.
Tom came up from the streets – of Hollywood. He was a real honest to god cowboy at 17, a Navy veteran, an inventor, a political consultant, marketer, real estate developer, and many other things.
Mostly he would be remembered as a loving father and grandfather. He was unendingly generous, and one of the least judgmental, most accepting people I've ever known.
He approached NLP differently than most who really excel at it. Mostly people who really master NLP are therapists, coaches, or consultants. These are people who have permission in their professional lives to "do stuff" with people.
Tom was the CEO of a pharmaceutical manufacturing company. He also had a background in martial arts. So he approached learning and using NLP with the diligence, discipline, and precision that served him in those areas.
He created the NLP Café as his dojo, his studio for experimentation and learning. And he applied what he learned there on a daily basis in his professional life and with friends and colleagues wherever met.
We used to talk at length about the challenge he and most of you face in learning to use and apply NLP when you don't have a dojo, or a coaching or therapy practice that makes it easy to do so. (I created my dojo by starting an NLP Institute. That may be a little extreme.
That was part of the reason for his newsletters and stories. So I'm going to republish them over the next few months for those of you who missed them the first time around, and those who would like to see them again.
Another legacy he left is a book in progress intended to make this transforming technology more easily available for you.
Drawing on his life experiences as tempered and influenced by his application of NLP, it's intended to develop the NLP "Power User" in you.
We are also committed to completing this part of Tom's legacy, so stay tuned, and we'll let you in as it develops.
Here's one of my favorite "Tom Stories"
Best Regards,
Tom Dotz
King Kong and Time Travel
3/28/08
1138 words, reading time 4.5 minutes
Hi Tom,
This is a story about time travel and hearing voices, among other things. It's rated PG.
And it's a story about an NLP process. And at the end I'll tell you where you can learn it.
When I was a young pup barely into my teens I was very wiry, and I could run like the wind. When I was in the eighth grade, my gym coach handed me over to the track and field coach, a tough guy named Coach Khan, who we nicknamed (behind his back) "King Kong."
He was a barrel-chested man with a voice like a foghorn. As I was being groomed for two and four lap (half and full mile) distances, King Kong would stand in the center of the field and call instructions to us.
He was very easy to hear. And he was not politically correct. But then, I was in the last generation where the coach kept a paddle in his office for various punishments.
Historical note here, while the tender hearted among my readers catch their breath. He didn't use the paddle indiscriminately. He used it on guys who started fistfights on the school grounds — and frankly, the parents thanked him instead of suing him, and the police were never called. End of problem. Sigh.
Back to my track story. When King Kong was yelling to us as we chugged around the track, he wasn't very polite there, either. When I got something wrong he would yell, "You f—-d up again, Hoobyar!"
Some writers call this the "golden time of youth." Golden time, hah! Pimples and nervous sweat around girls, wild hormone surges and erections at embarrassing times, and a sense of not quite understanding what was going on. Anywhere.
Except when I was running, and hearing King Kong's voice scolding, teaching, cajoling and demanding more effort, better form, more speed and endurance.
Fairly rough and insensitive, like they were in those days, but he got some good performance out of me.
Until I started smoking.
Just a fluke, a guy handed me a cigarette at a party and I didn't want to look like I was afraid of it. Hmmm. I'll tell you the truth. I liked the first one I ever lit, and I enjoyed the last one, almost twenty years ago.
But for a runner smoking was a real killer. Within a month or two my endurance went to hell, and I was panting and wobbling around the track. I remember King Kong yelling at me, "F—d up again, Hoobyar! Those things will make you an old man before you're twenty!"
When he called me in to cut me from the running team, he repeated it, "F—-d up again, Hoobyar!"
A couple of years later I left King Kong, scary girls, and the whole agonizing bewildering process of school behind. I was done with youth — wanted to skip directly into manhood.
After a year working on a ranch I went into the military, and four years later (and more seasoned), back out into the world. Where I worked and learned for the next thirty-odd years.
Funny thing, periodically during those years, I would find myself pulling back from some effort — giving it less than it needed to be well and completely done. Doing less than I knew I could.
Not every time, but some times.
Then I entered NLP training and learned how constantly our minds are "thinking us" instead of the other way around. I learned that we have a steady stream of voices and images going on — out of our awareness — but having an effect on us. I learned why we experience feelings that we sometimes can't explain or control.
And finally, during an exercise in an NLP training, I met King Kong again.
He had traveled through time with me. In my head.
And for thirty odd years, usually after a minor mistake or oversight, his voice in my head would say to me, "F—-d up again, Hoobyar!"
That comment only my subconscious could hear had cut my enthusiasm and my energy thousands of times through the years.
I had no idea what was going on in my head. What a shock! It was like finding a snake in bed with me.
So then a fellow NLP student suggested a simple process to change the voice into something less threatening, so instead of sounding like King Kong, it sounded like a sexy young woman.
Hmmm. That was a lot better. In fact, it was kind of interesting.
Then later I learned how to do an auditory swish, so that whenever the voice began, at the first sound it faded out and was replaced by the voice of a future me. This me wasn't haunted and sabotaged by King Kong anymore. And this future me was saying to the present me, "I feel good about myself."
From then on, whenever I faced a situation that would have made me hesitate or back off, the sound of that future Tom's voice, feeling good about himself, rang around and around my head.
And the last ten or twelve years have been pretty comfortable.
In fact, last night we had a meeting of the NLP Cafe study group at my house, where it all started fourteen years ago. And we featured the use of the Swish, both visual and auditory, as tools for creating rapid change in people. I demonstrated its use — and four people got solid changes in less than two hours. With coffee breaks.
By the way – you can have a copy of my NLP Cafe Organizer's Manual without cost — just click if you want it.
I used the Swish to end my thirty-odd year smoking habit, and I haven't lit a cigarette since I did the process on myself. The wonder of the Swish is that the more often I got the urge to smoke, the more strongly I got the healing image of myself as a nonsmoker.
You can find the Swish described in Steve and Connirae Andreas' book, "Change Your Mind and Keep The Change", available in our NLP Shopping Mall, along with a lot of other wonderful resources.
But of course, the best way to learn it is to take NLP training — and we have a wonderful summer schedule. We have the new NLP Immersion Training at both the Practitioner and the Master Practitioner levels.
Well, that's it from me for awhile. I'll write you again from NLP Comprehensive later this Spring when I finish the Friendly Persuasion course and come back to let you know about it. So if you want to keep up with my ezine, please drop by my site and leave me your email. I'll send you my "StreetSmart CEO's Facts of Life" and further Tips as I develop them.
Until we see each other here again, please be good to yourselves and each other.
After all, we're all we've got.
Seeya,
Tom Hoobyar
New Stories: Excerpts from a new book by Mark Andreas
Here are two stories selected from the just-released new book by Mark Andreas.
The Plywood Artwork
A Stunning Example of Rapport
While these two examples are directly drawn from NLP people, this book covers a broader spectrum. Mark cast a wide net for these stories, and the qualifier was simply a unique and compelling story about a "creative and compassionate way out of conflict."
The book includes stories from people from all kinds of backgrounds, among them Marshall Rosenberg's NVC (non-violent communication), people who draw upon their spiritual tradition, and people who have no framework at all for their response.
This book is just about the unfolding story, so it is inspiring and entertaining, and the teaching is in the story itself.
Enjoy!
Tom Dotz
The Plywood Artwork
by Gerry Schmidt
© 2009 Real People Press
It was the summer of 1992, the last day of a residential NLP training in the Rocky Mountains in Winter Park, Colorado. A group of 75 people had bonded very strongly over the past 20 days, and one thing they did as part of their group process was to create a piece of visual artwork representing “our community” or “who we are.” The group started with a big sheet of plywood which they covered with a collaborative painting symbolizing their experience together. It was painted with red, white, black, and yellow to symbolize all the peoples of the earth, and it was filled with a collage of handprints, spirals, a yin-yang, and the individual contributions of every participant. The finished piece was very meaningful to everyone.
Now we were at the very end of a packed three weeks and the group was about to finish their time together and head home. Only one thing remained to be done. The question before the group was, “What are we going to do with this piece of art that is ‘us’?” The group discussion started, and since I was the closing trainer I was somewhat involved with helping facilitate this process. Soon it became clear that most of the group’s opinion was that it should be kept safe and given to somebody who would be the custodian. But the question remained, “How the heck are we going to do this?” We had people from all over the world, and it was not a small piece of plywood. Who was going to take it and how were they going to get it there?
Then one man spoke up.
“Well,” he said, “because this is so challenging, and because we’re spread out all over the planet—we’ve got people from Europe and Asia—my proposal is we destroy it. If we burn it, it will be like everybody has it.”
I could feel the tension in the room mount instantly. It was clear that the group was generally very opposed to the idea of destroying it. It was the end of 20 days, and everyone was tired and ready to leave. I could see in their faces that to most of them, burning the artwork would seem like a great offense to what it represented. The man who had offered the suggestion was thinking on a more abstract level, but most everyone else wanted to keep this piece of art that represented the close-knit community they had formed over the past weeks. They did not want it destroyed.
I was trying to facilitate the conversation and I was not particularly effective. After about 15 minutes we hadn’t made any progress toward a solution, and I had my eye on the clock because we were already going overtime and I needed to get everybody out of the room. It was obvious to me that this was not going to resolve quickly. Even on the “keep it” side there were many different opinions, but that side was becoming more and more polarized against this guy who was saying, “destroy it.” People were getting frustrated and upset, and the prospect of a satisfying group closing was unraveling by the second. At this point somebody in the group stood up and proposed to have a vote at least to get past the “keep it” or “destroy it” alternatives. But before I could respond, a Native American from the MicMac tribe in eastern Canada stood up and faced me directly.
“Gerry, can I take over?” He asked. “I have an approach, and if you give me ten minutes by the clock, I’ll have it solved.”
I had no idea what he had in mind, but I was more than glad to let him take this problem off my hands. I was tired and the discussion wasn’t going anywhere useful, so I told him to go ahead.
He came up to the front of the room and first he asked, “Everybody’s agreeing that we’re ready to get a resolution?” People nodded, so he continued. “I have the solution if you’re all willing to go along.”
Everyone said, “Yeah, yeah, go ahead.”
Then he turned to the man who wanted to destroy the artwork, and gesturing to him he spoke in a soft, deep voice that seemed utterly unconstrained by time.
“In my Native American tradition, when we have a group which is all on one side, and we have one person who is on another side, we would never have a vote to overrule him, because it’s obvious that the majority will win, making him isolated.
“We would never do that to someone.
“The solution is we’re going to turn over the responsibility for the decision to you—the one who’s the isolated person. We’re going to let you decide for all of us.”
There was no mistaking that the words of the Native American were wholeheartedly genuine and sincere. He was really completely giving over the decision to this man.
I could hear people’s jaws hitting the floor, and as I looked around the room I saw eyes wide with surprise. It was an amazing thing to watch the wave of shock move through the room. But then very quickly I began to see that certain people started to get the wisdom in what the Native American had done, and they relaxed a little.
The man who had been given responsibility to make the decision went through his own initial shock. Right at first there was a little bit of glint in his eye which I’m guessing was his self-interest side, but then I could see a change taking place inside of him as well. His face went through several emotional swings, though I couldn’t tell exactly what they meant. Pretty soon he stood up to speak.
“Well I think it’s obvious that we need to find a way that satisfies all of us,” he said.
I could feel the tension in the room disappear. Earlier it had been clear in the man’s argumentative tone that he had set himself against the rest of the group, but as soon as the responsibility was completely in his hands, his resistance simply melted away. It was wonderful. He immediately started moving in the other direction.
“My objection was that there wasn’t a place where we could put the artwork,” he said, “And I want to honor the spirit of what we all did together. Is there a place where we could put this piece of art where everybody would have access to it, and it would feel fair to all of us?”
Very quickly someone who had not been involved in the earlier discussion spoke up.
“I have a place,” she said. “It’s a big barn in the central US where I could hang it. I also have a truck here; we could cut the piece in half to transport it, and once it’s hanging up I can take a picture of it and send it to everybody, and anyone can drop by and visit it at any time.”
Immediately it was done. The shift was profound. The emotional ripple through the room was huge. You can tell the difference between people who are just agreeing because they want an argument to be over, and people who are deeply and fully satisfied. It was quite a wonderful moment. Everybody was really pleased, including the man who had originally objected. The whole group was suddenly aligned and there was a powerful sense of completion.
I think part of the reason it worked so well was because the guy who was given the responsibility had such a strong relationship with the group. The wisdom of the Native American in trusting so much responsibility with this one man made me imagine a culture in which that kind of approach was a common practice. That conception of community would create a profoundly different way of working together.
My MicMac friend looked at his watch and said, “Seven minutes.”
A Stunning Example of Rapport (and Pattern Interrupt!)
-Steve Andreas
A couple of months ago I got an email from Scott Leese, who had attended one of our practitioner trainings 16 years ago, and is now a coach in California. At that training I had said something about how every culture has very beautiful traditions (as well as others not so beautiful!), and used the Navajo handshake as an example, something I had witnessed often during two summers on the reservation in the early 1950s. When two Navajos meet, they gently place their hands together and look each other in the eye, and silently sense each other’s state, both visually and kinesthetically, for some time. Scott’s email below, (slightly edited and approved by Scott) is eloquent, and is wonderful example of repeatedly offering someone a new scopes of experience, and new ways of categorizing them.
“We spend the 4th of July in Telluride every summer. This year we had a Navajo family move in to the campsite next to us. They had a son in his 20’s who appeared to have a lot of anger and history of violence (multiple scars on his hands and head and current black eye and scabbed knuckles from fighting). As he approached our site I reached out my hand and remembered you telling us how Navajos greet each other, by not shaking hands but just holding each other’s hand and just looking into each other’s eyes. Our hands and eyes met and I just held his hand still and stayed in that position for about 2 minutes. I could tell he just couldn’t believe that this white guy was greeting him culturally correctly. That instantly developed a deep rapport that led to hours of conversations about the struggles in his life. . . .
We talked about his life, why he gets into lots of fights, his drinking, his anger at the world, America, whites, etc. We talked about what were the things that he wanted his son to have in his life. What most impacted him was the idea that he was modeling what his children would learn, and that he can create a different path for his own two-year-old son. And that he had a specific mission in this world that he was here to do that transcended his environment. Connecting him with a sense that he was of value beyond his own beliefs of himself also had a great impact, and that his beliefs about himself could be changed easily and did not have to be formed by his environment–like finding a treasure on your own land when you had no idea it was buried there. His family (about 12 of them) just stood in (literal) jaw-dropping amazement that their son was talking so long to this strange white man. . . .
After some hours of conversation I said to him, “Look Fred (name changed), there is a specific reason God had us meet, and he cares for you so much that he made sure I drove 997 miles from Thousand Oaks California, so that we could talk. We talked at length about how his own identity will shape his mission in the world, and that his mission and identity will shape those of his son, and grandson and great-grandson seven generations down. I told him that he must be important in this world because of the distance I traveled and that this had been the most important conversation that I had all week in Telluride. ‘Now you tell me that you don’t have a special purpose on this planet?’ That is when he put his hands over his face and wept and walked away. He came back several times, but couldn’t speak without breaking up. . . .
I told him, ‘You appear to be someone who is wasting your energy on fighting people on the outside, when you should be fighting for yourself on the inside–someone so worthy deserves someone to fight for their survival.’ Then I anchored the feeling of him protecting his 2-year-old boy as a father into that same protection for himself on the inside. ‘You wouldn’t let some outsider come up and harm your son, correct? Then why would you let thoughts, patterns, and your own behavior harm that little boy’s father?’ Your little boy is going to use you as his model for the rest of his life to know that he was of value to you and to himself. He will forever either say, ‘I want to be like my daddy or I don’t want to be like my dad. You need to choose today, whom you will be to your son and whom you will be to yourself. Fred, we were supposed to have this talk, and you have a blank map to draw the journey of your life. Decide today that you will fight just as hard for the survival of yourself as you would for your son.’ Again he left weeping. . . .
Another part of this story was that I had been cooking a hamburger for myself on the campfire. His family was getting ready to have hotdogs for dinner. I asked him if he would be interested in some steak that I had that I wasn’t going to be able to cook since we were leaving the next day. He said he had no way to cook it. I told him that I would be happy to cook it for him and I pulled out this huge 2- inch-thick rib eye steak and started to cook it for him. He stood amazed, and kept staring at it, because again what I was doing didn’t fit into his old beliefs. Then when it was finished, he said, ‘Why are you doing this?’ ‘Doing what Fred?’ ‘Why are you eating a hamburger while you cook me this steak? Why?’ I said. ‘Because of my faith I do what I would want someone to do for me, and I want you to have my best.’ Tears in his eyes, he left again. . . .
We had to leave the next day, but before we left he came over and said that our talks had a deep impact on his life and that I was a blessing from God. So you never know, Steve, what bit of information you teach to someone will have an enormous impact on someone else’s life.” . . .
(The Navajo handshake was both a powerful nonverbal pace of Fred’s cultural tradition, and at the same time a complete pattern interrupt, because it was so incongruent with his expectations and beliefs about white people. However, the handshake was only an entry that provided an opportunity; Scott did the rest— exquisitely.)
Every time I read the inspiring stories in this book, I wind up with tears in my eyes. If you like the stories half as much as I do, you’ll really appreciate them. There is a lot of both wisdom and “heart” in these pages.
Over the past 7 years, our son Mark has been interviewing people who have a story to tell of how they dealt with a situation of potential conflict, and writing up their stories for this book. To this he’s added some great stories others have written, but which in most cases have not been easily accessible or well-known. Connirae and I are very pleased with the result, and happy to make it available to people around the world through Real People Press.
Below is the full description of the book, as well as endorsements from Dan Millman, William Ury, Mark Gerzon, Pamela Gerloff, Bill O’Hanlon, and a link to order.
—Steve Andreas
Sweet Fruit from the Bitter Tree is a book of fascinating stories of how real people dealt with conflict situations by responding in unusual and creative ways that most of us would never think of. Some intensely moving, some funny, some startling or surprising—these stories will open your heart with a deep appreciation for what is possible.
These pages cover the full spectrum of life—from the kinds of conflicts that all of us face, to the intensity of war and threats of extreme violence. Here you will find stories that take place in the community, the workplace, the schoolyard, and the backyard. You’ll read stories from dark alleys, psych wards, jails, hostage hideouts, and wars.
These stories show how each person came face-to-face with a significant challenge and found their own unique way to meet it. There are no recipes here, no set of steps—just raw experience unfolding with a richness that will keep you on the edge of your seat through the last page.
Click Here To Get Your Copy from Amazon
This unique and meaningful book includes stories from Nobel Peace Prize winner Muhammad Yunus, NonViolent Communication founder Marshall Rosenberg, Colonel Christopher P. Hughes, Milton H. Erickson, as well as many people like you and I—you may know some of these contributors.
- You’ll laugh out loud at the funny interventions used by a cop.
- Be touched by the forgiveness and generosity of heart that made resolution possible between people who suffered tragedy in the midst of war.
- Learn how an estranged husband and wife rediscovered their love for each other by studying their dog.
- Witness a creative teacher dealing with bullying on the school playground.
- And marvel at how a taxi driver with a gun to his head avoided being murdered by a “psycho.”
Two of these stories have appeared earlier on this blog:
“A Stunning Example of Rapport (and Pattern Interrupt)” (add link)
“The Plywood Artwork” (add link)
Order below to enjoy the other 59 stories! (LINK TO AMAZON Here? And to RPP order page?)
What People are Saying about this book:
“As a sage once said, ‘God invented men and women, because God loves stories.’ The stories compiled by Mark Andreas in Sweet Fruit from the Bitter Tree, tasted one by one, each morning or evening, can transmit real-world reminders about how changing our behavior can change the behavior of others — and that the right words, used skillfully and with heart, can turn a life around.”
— Dan Millman, author of Way of the Peaceful Warrior and The Journeys of Socrates
“In the immortal words of songwriter Nick Lowe: What’s so funny ’bout peace, love and understanding? This book is a charming and moving book about peace, love, creativity and understanding. I predict that you will be inspired by the stories in this book. One of them may even save your life someday.”
— Bill O’Hanlon, featured Oprah guest and author of Do One Thing Different
“There’s an old saying that some conflicts are so difficult that only a story can heal them. Mark Andreas has done us a great service with this collection of extraordinary stories that have this inspirational quality.”
— William Ury, co-author of Getting to Yes, author of The Power of a Positive No
“What a wonderful book this is—truly exceptional. The stories are so varied, so profound, so fun and surprising. The result is a sense of possibility awakened. If these “ordinary people” can turn a tense or scary situation into harmony and peace, couldn’t the rest of us do that too? Sweet Fruit from the Bitter Tree subtly instructs us in the fine arts of possibility and peacemaking, as we savor its beauty and grace.”
— Dr. Pamela Gerloff, Founder of The Global Possibility Project, co-author of Dignity for All: How to Create a World without Rankism (Berrett-Koehler)
“The stories in this book can teach you more than any academic course or workshop. They are not ‘case studies;’ they are life itself.”
— Mark Gerzon, President of Mediators Foundation, author of Leading Through Conflict (Harvard Business School Press)
