This is one of many stories I fondly remember from my first Practitioner Training. Along with numerous others it's to be found in the Trainer's Version of the "NLP Comprehensive Practitioner Training Manual" as well as in "Is There Life Before Death?"
Among other reasons that the training was remarkable was that while a lot of entertaining stories were told, building rapport and keeping us alert in the moment, none of them were accidental.
Each was, in fact, quite premeditated, planned, and positioned to make an immediate teaching point, while either setting the stage for the next learning or summarizing a piece just experienced.
The stories were also, of course, wonderful examples of the power of metaphor, so that by the time we got to the formal metaphor section of the training, we had numerous examples of its use.
Here's what Jan is promising you: "If you have taken an NLP Practitioner Course and want to freshen your skills, this Friday evening and Saturday workshop will give you a great way to do that.You will get the opportunity to reconnect with other practitioners, share experiences, ask questions, review and practice your skills. More recent contributions of trainers and innovators Steve Andreas and Charles Faulkner on the general foundations of NLP will be the framework for updating and refreshing NLP’s most useful tools. These foundational concepts have been taught for the last several years in the Summer Immersion trainings and the students have understood and mastered the NLP techniques so much more quickly and deeply because of them." For more info, click here to contact Jan directly.
The Boilermaker, or Knowing Where To Tap – Steve Andreas
There is an old story of a boilermaker who was hired to fix a huge steamship boiler system that was not working well. After listening to the engineer's description of the problems and asking a few questions, he went to the boiler room. He looked at the maze of twisting pipes, listened to the thump of the boiler and the hiss of escaping steam for a few minutes, and felt some pipes with his hands. Then he hummed softly to himself, reached into his overalls and took out a small hammer, and tapped a bright red valve, once. Immediately the entire system began working perfectly, and the boilermaker went home. When the steamship owner received a bill for $1,000 he complained that the boilermaker had only been in the engine room for fifteen minutes, and requested an itemized bill. This is what the boilermaker sent him:
For tapping with hammer: $ .50
For knowing where to tap: 999.50
Total: $1,000.00
(With gratitude to my high school science teacher, E.R. Harrington, who told me this story in 1952.)
Filed under Stories and Metaphors by 
Steve recaptures a nice example of how we shape our reality not just with words, but with our behaviors. We create maps with words, and "kinesthetically" – in this example, by how we walk. And then, our creations shape our behaviors!
Enjoy,
Tom Dotz
Building Sidewalks, by Steve Andreas
445 Words, 2.5 minutes reading time
When a certain university was first built, all the grounds were planted with grass, without any sidewalks. After a few months, the well-worn trails clearly showed where people usually walked as they went from one building to another. Then they built sidewalks where the trails were, so that students didn't have to walk in the mud.
I have always admired the simplicity and elegance of that solution, particularly when contrasted with the usual way of doing things: elaborate and expensive planners and plans–and then the inevitable ugly fences, signs, and barriers that try to force people to walk where the planners decided that they should.
There is a general principle here that bears examining, to find out how else we could make use of its simplicity and elegance. Every culture, every subculture, and every family acts like sidewalk planners–deciding ahead of time what people should do, and then attempting to enforce obedience when human nature finds that the "shoulds" don't fit very well. (Lots of "shoulds" makes our lives "shouldy.")
What would it be like if instead we "planted grass" everywhere, and then noticed where people naturally liked to walk, building our social structures to accommodate our natural inclinations? There are limits to this, of course; it's appropriate to construct protective barriers at cliffs or other truly dangerous places.
If we examine a wide range of cultures, we find at least as wide a range of (often contradictory) assumptions about human nature. These assumptions are embodied in the rules, customs, and goals of each culture. The kindest thing we can say about this great variety of opinions is that they can't all be right! Any culture is the accumulated wisdom of a group of people who managed to survive somehow; after all, history is written by those who survive it. Culture also includes the accumulated stupidity of the group, as well. Growing up as a small child in Hawaii, and then moving successively to Vermont, California, Arizona, and several other places made it blazingly obvious that what one group considered important or essential was often ignored or even condemned in another. As Alfred North Whitehead said, "Learning preserves the errors of the past as well as its wisdom."
It is only in the past couple of hundred years that a brave minority have seriously questioned their cultural assumptions about human nature, and dared to ask, "What is humanity capable of if it is not limited by the harness and blinders of a particular culture?" I think we have only begun to discover the beauty and depth of what our humanity is capable of. Let's get on with it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Another nice example of how we build maps is in Charles Faulkner's slide show here:
And… We still have about 20 sets left of the book most of these stories were excerpted from, "Is There Life Before Death?" at this special purchase.
"During 30 years of writing researching and teaching NLP Steve Andreas collected a series of stories and metaphors. Some he wrote himself, others came from sources all over the world, poets and authors, therapists and mystics.
He used them as examples of different patterns, of the power of metaphor, and sometimes just for an entertaining distraction for the conscious mind. A few years ago he gathered the entire collection between two covers titled "Is There Life Before Death?"
If you'd like your own collection of these "Steve stories" I have some hard cover copies of "Is There Life Before Death?" that I bought at a really great price. They were pushed to a back corner of the warehouse and I completely forgot about them until we started packing for the trainings.
Due to an odd packaging they were packed in twos and I got a really great "remainder" type price on them, which I'm sharing with you. Originally $19.95 in hardcover, you get two copies for just $9.95 plus postage. That's like 75% off.
(What to do with the extra copy? Surely you know at least one person who likes stories. Even my Mom would like these
Click Here to find out more and get yours: "Is There Life Before Death?"
Filed under NLP Weekly Tip, Stories and Metaphors by
Self-Description: Neuro-LINGUISTIC Programming is a lot about words: how they shape our perceptions, our relationships, our abilities, our beliefs and every aspect of our subjective experience.
Here are two very concise and examples from Steve Andreas revealing how they can take part in shaping our self image.
602 Words, 3.5 minutes reading time
Self-Description
By Steve Andreas
Often people don't pay much attention to the words they use to describe themselves, and the consequences and ramifications of using these words. For instance, people who have had horrible experiences–particularly in early childhood–often describe themselves as "scarred for life."
In the first place, they are engaged in fortune-telling without being qualified: No one can predict the future that well.
Some people continue to suffer from traumatic experiences into their later years, but many others don't.
Secondly, they don't examine the meanings of the words they use. Most people go "Oh, 'scarred for life,' Yes, terrible!" without thinking about what the words actually mean. I have quite a few scars, and none of them bother me a bit. Scar tissue is often considerably tougher than the original. Only a few scars continue to produce discomfort, and even then the discomfort is more often due to damage that never fully healed, than to the scar tissue itself. Scarring is actually a sign that the body healed itself and made itself whole again.
Another aspect of scars is that they may be visible to others, depending on where they are located. Some people who were abused as children behave as if these events were obvious and known to others. (Whether this is the reason for choosing the word "scarred" or the result of it is not clear.)
Some of my scars are still quite clear and obvious, but most of them have simply disappeared, or been incorporated into wrinkles–one of the benefits of growing older.
Even the meaning of obvious scars depends on how they are viewed. Early in this century in Germany, a visible dueling scar was considered a badge of honor. When I was in high school in New Mexico in the 1950's, many students flaunted their knife scars as a sign of bravery. Some African tribes deliberately create elaborate decorations on their skins by scarring. I have even met quite a few women with scars that made their faces much more interesting than they would have been without them.
So what does "scarred for life" really mean?–only what you choose it to mean.
A Knight in Shining Armor
Although the image is less popular now, women used to describe the ideal man as "a knight in shining armor," and quite a few men tried to live up to this image.
Examine your own image of knighthood, and you can easily see how women often got what they asked for, but didn't want.
A knight in armor has a cold, hard exterior, and this makes it difficult to see the real man inside. Trapped inside that armor, he'll be unexpressive and unable to show his feelings. A knight will be up on his "high horse" a lot of the time–and he'll need help to get up there again when he falls off. He will also want to use his lance–a lot. Who's going to shine his armor and take care of his horse? Often he'll be off rescuing (other) damsels in distress, or on crusades in other lands, rather than at home with his wife and children.
The metaphors and images we use have a way of steering our thinking and our lives. It's wise to be cautious about the ones we use, and examine them to see if they are taking us where we really want to go. An old saying goes, "Be very careful what you set your heart upon, for someday it may be yours."
Excerpted from "Is There Life Before Death?" by Steve Andreas (c) 1995
(Yes, we still have some copies in hardcover at the special "warehouse treasure hunt" deal… two for one plus half price (that's actually 75% Off! ) on this story collection, "Is There Life Before Death?" BTW, a couple of smart cookies who are coaches bought case lots for holiday gifts for their clients. Great idea, and really congruent with a coaching practice!)
Filed under NLP Weekly Tip, Stories and Metaphors by
"To do NLP you need three things: An Outcome, Rapport, and a Ritual." – John Grinder
The fundamentals underlie everything. In our NLP trainings we spend a good deal of time on the essentials of rapport like matching, mirroring, and pacing in various modalities. Here's an example of how a mismatch in just one submodality can be very costly.
Steve Andreas relates how even a linguist can miss the significance of tonality and its affect on rapport. How important can this be? As important as losing (or keeping) a prestigious position, in this instance.
This is one of the clearest and most evident examples I've found in written form of the impact, unconscious usually, of tonality. We spend some time in our programs on learning to recognize and control the impact of tonality. Some people may think it trivial, yet as in this example, it can be as important as your career.
Rising Intonation or HRT: Rapport-builder or Rapport-killer?
Steve Andreas
An example of the impact of nonverbal (tonal) qualities of a message.
Recently I sent a note to some colleagues mentioning that I had noticed that some people-more often women-ended a sentence or a phrase with an upward inflection that usually indicates a question. I asked if anyone had an understanding of this, since I didn't want to rediscover something that was already understood. I got the wonderful response below from a linguist who asked not to be identified:
"Ah, a linguistic question! This phenomenon is known in linguistics as 'high rising terminal,' or HRT. Its origins have been variously located as the American West or New Zealand (the latter where it is widely used, as I experienced when I taught linguistics on the South Island for several years). It's also found in Australia and a number of other spots in the world.
"An Australian study found it was used more by the younger generation. A New Zealand study noted 'use of HRTs being favored by young Maori and by young Pakeha [people of European descent] women' (David Britain, 1992). Its functions are seen to be positive politeness (which includes attending to others' needs, and using what are called solidarity or in-group markers, like 'dude' or 'mate') as well as encouraging the addressee in the conversation. These behaviors are more common among women. Deborah Tannen calls such speech by women 'rapport talk' versus men's stereotypical 'report talk.'
"Negative reactions to HRT include an assumption of the speaker being uncertain about what they are speaking about. I have an excellent personal example. When I was getting my Ph.D. in linguistics, a top-notch corpus linguist was one of my professors. He'd just been hired away from an excellent university, and was up for tenure at our university after only one year (very unusual), but the department chair was concerned about supporting him getting tenure as he had gotten mixed reviews from student evaluations in his first semester. She asked me, as one of his Ph.D. students, to observe his teaching and write a letter for his file explaining why his students were sometimes unhappy with him.
"My finding? He used HRT-even when explaining complex things he had created (like computer programs used to analyze language). I wrote the letter, and he came to see me and thanked me profusely, saying he had not understood why students at this new university were sometimes confused in his classes and at times overtly hostile to his teaching. His students were confused because most Americans associate HRT with questions and presume uncertainty when someone says a declarative sentence (a statement), with a questioning intonation. He decreased his usage of HRTs, student understanding and trust in his knowledge increased, and he got tenure."
"Clearing Out the Clutter" If you'd like more "Steve Stories" remember there's a special "remainder" deal for you here: two for one plus half price (that's actually 75% Off! ) on his story collection, "Is There Life Before Death?"
Filed under Applying NLP Now, NLP Weekly Tip, Practice & Processes, Stories and Metaphors by
Found another short bit from Steve Andreas that gets to one of the important distinctions about words and language. The point he makes is global and often overlooked.
Words – Steve Andreas
It was at a party in California in the mind-1970's. Our friend Mike had arrived quite hungry, and there was a big plate of chocolate brownies on the dining room table, so he helped himself, repeatedly. After he had eaten about nine squares, the host announced that they were marijuana brownies, and that one square would probably be enough for an adequately altered evening.
Late that evening Mike was pretty far gone, especially after some time in the hot tub. As we were putting on our clothes after getting out of the hot tub, we heard Mike saying slowly out loud, "Now I'm putting on my left sock….Now I'm putting on my left shoe…."
I laughed, and said, "Mike, we don't need a report of your activities." He replied slowly, "I know you don't, but I do!"
Even in normal states of alertness, words help us keep track of experiences by labeling them and categorizing them. We can then use these labels like a filing system, to "call up" a particular kind of experience when it's useful to us. The words on a menu bring to mind the taste and texture of the food described, to help us make a decision about what we want to order. The words are not the food; they only point to the food. This seems like a simple and obvious fact — very few people try to eat the menu — yet many people get so embroiled in the words that they never get to the food.
A word is like handle on a suitcase; the name helps us carry a package of experiences. However, as soon as we have a name for something, there is a strong tendency to stop looking at what the name points to.
Sometimes we happily carry around the suitcase without ever opening it to see what's inside. As Warren McCulloch, a pioneering neurophysiologist, used to say to his listeners, "Don't bite my finger; look were I am pointing."
"Human contact is not about words. Human contact is about eye connection, about voice, about skin, about breathing. Words are something you can read in a book, you can see on a billboard, and they can be totally differentiated from human beings. Words help when people are congruent. — Virginia Satir.
And… Remember…
During 30 years of writing researching and teaching NLP Steve Andreas collected a series of stories and metaphors. Some he wrote himself, others came from sources all over the world, poets and authors, therapists and mystics.
He used them as examples of different patterns, of the power of metaphor, and sometimes just for an entertaining distraction for the conscious mind. A few years ago he gathered the entire collection between two covers titled "Is There Life Before Death?"
If you'd like your own collection of these "Steve stories" I have some hard cover copies of "Is There Life Before Death?" that I bought at a really great price. They were pushed to a back corner of the warehouse and I completely forgot about them until we started packing for the trainings.
Due to an odd packaging they were packed in twos and I got a really great "remainder" type price on them, which I'm sharing with you. Originally $19.95 in hardcover, you get two copies for just $9.95 plus postage. That's like 75% off.
(What to do with the extra copy? Surely you know at least one person who likes stories. Even my Mom would like these
Click Here to find out more and get yours: "Is There Life Before Death?"
Filed under Applying NLP Now, NLP In The News, Practice & Processes by
I've been at the warehouse on one of my periodic "it's time to clean out this place" passions.. It's a bit of a challenge sometimes. If cleaning out your closet or garage seems like a bit much, imagine a whole warehouse.
Oops. I mean stop imagining anything that big or possibly overwhelming. 
Instead, enjoy this article I found by Steve about some really pleasant and useful ways to deal with reducing clutter in your life.
In the process of clearing out the warehouse I came across some interesting items that in the spirit of this article I'm going to take the opportunity to pass along to you over the next few weeks.
So I'm going to have a few interesting warehouse clearance sales soon – stay tuned!
Best regards,
Tom Dotz
PS: Still a little time for an adventure!
Your Last Reminder: Advanced Mastery Training Aug 1-7
If your schedule opened up and you can now attend this dynamic and unique NLP training for NLP Master Practitioners, here’s a last-minute reminder so that you can decide. Below is the information you need to know if this training is right for you. If you have any questions we can answer, you can email AMT@toolsfortransforming.com or call 303-442-2902
And there's still room to get your Hypnotherapy Certification!
Neo-Ericksonian Hypnosis with Michael Watson
This Summer August 9 through August 14, 2010 Six Days to Full Hypnotherapy Certification!
Clearing Out Clutter – by Steve Andreas
From time to time we need to sort through an accumulation of things in order to make space for what we want to keep. However, many people have great difficulty doing this. Would you like to learn a ridiculously simple trick to make this easier?
When most people do this, they look through their closet full of clothes, the drawer full of socks, or the shelf full of books, and try to decide what they don't want. While this seems very logical and straightforward, there are several reasons why it's not the best way to accomplish the task.
Imagine that you went to a grocery store to buy some food, and you were focused on what you don't want. Pause for a moment to imagine actually doing this in your mind, to find out what this way of shopping would be like for you. . . .
Doesn't that seem a little backward? Now imagine shopping the way you usually do it, by focusing on what you do want. . . .
Whether you have a list of things that you have already decided that you want, or whether you look around to see what appeals to you (or both), focusing on what you do want is much simpler and more direct.
There are probably only a few things that you do want, and an immense number of things that you don't want. If you were focused on eliminating what you don't want, it would take you much longer, because there is so much more of it that you would have to process.
You have only a certain amount of attention; if you are focused on what you don't want, you have much less attention for what you do want, and you might even lose track of it altogether, which is what happens in paranoia.
Perhaps most important, if you are focused on what you don't want, you will be having the feelings that go along with thinking of those things. Those feelings are likely to be much less pleasant than the ones you have when you think of what you do want. Try this in you imagination. First think of a food that you don't want, . . . and then think of a food that you do want. . . .
Which feels better? If you think of what you do want, you will feel better, and you are likely to keep on shopping. But if you are having the feelings that go with thinking of all those things that you don't want, you are likely to stop soon, so that you can feel better!
So far I have written about what you do want and what you don't want. But there is another category of stuff that is even larger than both of these put together; stuff that you don't much care about one way or another-"Mister In-Between." When you focus your attention on what you do want, all this is ignored along with all the stuff that you don't want.
To summarize, if you are deciding what to buy in a store, it makes a lot more sense to focus on what you do want than what you don't want. It is also much simpler to do, because it is harder for us to process negations like "don't" ("do not").
Now let's go back to the task of sorting through an accumulation to decide what you want to keep. All the factors I have discussed above are equally true when you want to sort through stuff. If you focus on what you don't want, it will be more difficult, less direct, it will take longer, and it feels unpleasant, so you will probably soon give up and do something else-perhaps berating yourself for your sloppiness and "lack of willpower" or "lack of persistence."
How can we apply the way that we naturally and efficiently acquire stuff to the task of discarding stuff?
It's absurdly simple: empty out that closet, drawer, or bookshelf completely and put everything that was in it somewhere else. Now imagine that this is stuff in a store, and you can select what you want from it-absolutely free! Now look through it to decide what you want to keep, and discard the rest of it.
There is an additional advantage to this way of sorting through stuff in order to simplify and streamline your surroundings. If you were successful in doing what most people do-focusing on what you don't want, and discarding that, you would still have all the stuff that is meaningless to you-"Mister In-Between." But by selecting what you do want from that pile of stuff, all the "Mister In-Between" stuff remains in the pile to be discarded.
If you are someone who likes to keep "in between" stuff around for a while in case it might become useful, put it in a box, and date it. If you haven't looked at it after a given length of time-perhaps six months or a year-look through it quickly to be sure there is nothing you want to keep, and then dispose of it.
Another little trick I use is to think of who would be happy to have the stuff that I'm discarding. Even though I don't have a use for it, it might be important to someone else; the thought that someone else might appreciate it gives me additional pleasure at the thought of passing it on to someone else, making it even easier to let go of it.
This is only one specific application of the importance of focusing your attention on positive outcomes-what you do want, rather than what you don't want-a key element of NLP, and of living a life that works for you.
Do you have other strategies or "tricks" that make it easier for you to clean stuff out? If so, I welcome you to add them to this discussion.
During 30 years of writing researching and teaching NLP Steve Andreas collected a series of stories and metaphors. Some he wrote himself, others came from sources all over the world, poets and authors, therapists and mystics.
He used them as examples of different patterns, of the power of metaphor, and sometimes just for an entertaining distraction for the conscious mind. A few years ago he gathered the entire collection between two covers titled "Is There Life Before Death?"
If you'd like your own collection of these "Steve stories" I have some hard cover copies of "Is There Life Before Death?" that I bought at a really great price. They were pushed to a back corner of the warehouse and I completely forgot about them until we started packing for the trainings.
Due to an odd packaging they were packed in twos and I got a really great "remainder" type price on them I'm sharing with you. Originally $19.95 in hardcover, you get two copies for just $9.95 plus postage. That's like 75% off.
(What to do with the extra copy? Surely you know at least one person who likes stories. Even Mom would like these
Click Here to find out more and get yours: "Is There Life Before Death?"
Filed under Applying NLP Now, NLP Weekly Tip, Practice & Processes by
Oh it's summertime, the living is easy, and I'm off to Winter Park for the trainings, wishing you were joining us.
Since you aren't, I have a couple of entertaining and thoughtful stories and metaphors for you. The next few are from the mind of Steve Andreas, and more specifically from his collection of stories "Is There Life Before Death?"
Asking and Deserving
"You don't ask, you don't get." – Yiddish saying.
This used to be a tough one for me. Raised with some fundamentalist beliefs about modesty and self-denigration (camel and eye of the needle, etc.), asking for what I wanted was a very chancy proposition. We were encouraged to make any requests very modest, and to be sure we wouldn't be depriving anyone else of their desires or putting ourselves ahead of anyone.
In this story from his youth, Steve beautifully describes how asking without expectation, almost in a spirit of curiosity, can be quite rewarding.
In the second essay, "Deserving" Steve offers a very interesting and provocative frame for the concept of "deserving." He makes a really strong point about a much more useful definition of the term than you may have gotten in your upbringing, and certainly more useful than I received in mine.
These stories are excerpted from the book "Is There Life Before Death?"
Cheers,
Tom Dotz
Asking
As a dirt-poor graduate student at Brandeis University in the late 1950's, I often walked along the Charles River. Much of the shoreline was undeveloped woods, but one area was dotted with large homes, set in broad lawns sloping down to boat docks.
At one of these docks there was always an aluminum canoe, upside down to keep out the rain. Time after time I imagined enjoying paddling that canoe along the river.
Finally one day I put my imagination to somewhat better use; I imagined walking up to the door of the house and asking if I could use it. I also went on to imaging the probably refusal and the disappointment I would feel.
After several days of doing this, I went even further to imagine the much less likely alternative, that the canoe's owner might agree to let me use it. With both alternatives in mind, I could compare them.
On the one hand, almost certain probability of refusal and a few moments of disappointment. On the other hand, the very slim chance of agreement, and hours and hours of canoeing pleasure.
Looking at it this way I had a great deal to gain, and very little to lose, so I walked up to the door and knocked.
Much to my surprise, the people who owned the canoe actually welcomed my request. They had often thought about how little they used the canoe, and wished that more people could enjoy it.
I enjoyed canoeing often during the rest of that summer, and the next summer as well, exploring the river from miles both upstream and down.
Since then I have explored many other unlikely possibilities, especially when it took very little effort, and the possible benefit was large.
Most of these yielded nothing in return, but the few that did made it well worthwhile. Ask not, and you get not; ask, and you shall receive; at least, some of the time. "
Deserving
Most people think they deserve something if they worked hard for it, or if they want it very badly or if they have the money to buy it.
And often they use this "deserving" as a reason why someone else should give them something.
However, the only relevant factor in "deserving" something is being able to appreciate it. If you can fully appreciate something, then you deserve it.
I don't deserve a bottle of fine wine, even thought I could buy it, because I don't enjoy wine.
Even if I bought it and drank it, I wouldn't really have it, because it would mean nothing to me. That would truly be casting "pearls before swine."
But if I can appreciate a painting, I deserve it because I respond to it and find it beautiful. And because I can appreciate it, I can truly have it fully, even when I can't buy it and own it.
If you want to deserve things, learn to appreciate them, and they will be yours.
(With thanks to Leslie LeBeau, who taught me about deserving)
During 30 years of writing researching and teaching NLP Steve Andreas collected a series of stories and metaphors. Some he wrote himself, others came from sources all over the world, poets and authors, therapists and mystics.
He used them as examples of different patterns, of the power of metaphor, and sometimes just for an entertaining distraction for the conscious mind. A few years ago he gathered the entire collection between two covers titled "Is There Life Before Death?"
If you'd like your own collection of these "Steve stories" I have some hard cover copies of "Is There Life Before Death?" that I bought at a really great price. They were pushed to a back corner of the warehouse and I completely forgot about them until we started packing for the trainings.
Due to an odd packaging they were packed in twos and I got a really great "remainder" type price on them I'm sharing with you. Originally $19.95 in hardcover, you get two copies for just $9.95 plus postage. That's like 75% off.
(What to do with the extra copy? Surely you know at least one person who likes stories. Even my Mom would like these
Click Here to find out more and get yours: "Is There Life Before Death?"
Filed under Applying NLP Now, Practice & Processes, Stories and Metaphors by
Another of our popular stories from Tom Hoobyar embodying some NLP processes and everyday wisdom.
A quick training update: 4 places left in the Practitioner Program, 5 in the Hypnosis Certification.
And there's still some room in the Advanced Mastery Exploration
This week's story draws from Section 1 — about anchoring (and much more)- in the Living Encyclopedia of NLP . If you have it, you'll get even more out of the story!
Enjoy,
Tom Dotz
The Power Of Touch
By Tom Hoobyar
Article Word Count 1227, average reading time 4.9 minutes.
Some years back I met this nice woman in a bookstore.
I had stopped in during my lunch break for a quick browse and she asked for help from a clerk who wasn't helpful, and I knew the store so I stepped up.
I was single at the time but I had nothing on my mind other than helping a fellow book-lover find what she was looking for.
As we walked to the section she was looking for we started talking, and I was amazed at the great conversation that followed.
It went on for so long that we got tired of standing around in the bookstore. I invited her next door to a coffee shop so we could continue our visit. She accepted, and over coffee we learned more about each other.
She was going to grad school to become a psychotherapist. Like me, she had been married and had kids. She laughed easily and talked about her life with enthusiasm.
Occasionally as she was talking she would lean over and lay a hand momentarily on my nearest forearm. I could have talked with her all day, but we each had overstayed our lunch hours, and so we finally said our goodbyes.
Before I let her go I asked to see her again, and we made an arrangement to visit a craft faire in her hometown the following weekend.
I went back to work and didn't think about her. Much.
But I had this funny feeling. It was a feeling of familiarity, almost like we had known each other for years. It was so easy being around her that I was anxious to see her again.
And then again. And again.
And finally after seeing her many times, I married her so I could see her for the rest of my life. That was almost nine years ago.
She still casually reaches out to me to lay a hand on my arm or to touch my cheek or shoulder when we're walking or driving somewhere, or when we're just sitting together at home.
Every time she does it's like coming home for me.
And here's another more personal thing I'll share with you. On those mornings when one of us doesn't have to rush out of bed too early, we enjoy just snuggling next to each other for a few minutes – nothing slinkier than that, but it stays with each of us and warms our day.
Here's a story about someone else. This one goes back to my childhood.
My father was an immigrant from Persia, now called Iran. He was Assyrian, and like all my family on my dad's side he was very warm and affectionate.
He was also big, a farm boy who grew up to play football for UCLA. Later in his life he became a professional singer and lecturer, so I saw him around lots of people.
I remember the discomfort some of his more conservative business associates showed when Dad would greet them in his booming voice and put his arm around their shoulders.
My Irish mom would explain to us kids that Dad was "more demonstrative" than most American men.
The other thing I noticed was that even though some of the other men seemed a little awkward trapped in Dad's embrace, they loved him. He had an almost magical link with everyone that knew him.
When he was with someone that person would almost glow.
Just like I feel when I'm around my wife.
Here's my point.
As much as I loved my dad and as much as I adore my wife, I don't think those two were more magical than the rest of us – well, maybe a bit.
But mostly what I think it is, is that those two people were "touchy-feely" with others as part of their natures. I think that my dad and my wife are people who just naturally reach out to people in a physical sense as well as emotionally.
And I think it pays off. Obviously, I'm talking about appropriate contact, not fondling someone or invading his or her boundaries.
This is important, and if you really get it, it can immediately start warming up even casual relationships in your life.
It's common knowledge that babies will not thrive if they are not touched and cuddled while they are infants – the human contact appears necessary to brain development and weight gain.
Here are some other interesting references:
A Professor at Cornell's School of Hotel Administration did a study of what waitresses could do to increase the tips they got from their customers – the ones who casually touched their customers' hands or shoulders averaged bigger tips. Another study showed increases of 25% to 42%.
A study published in the Journal of Behavioral Medicine (1995 Volume 18, No. 1) said that touch reduced pain and stress in surgical patients.
Here are others:
The Touch Research Institute at the University of Miami School of Medicine says it has carried out more than 100 studies into touch and found evidence of significant effects, including faster growth in premature babies, reduced pain, decreased autoimmune disease symptoms, lowered glucose levels in children with diabetes, and improved immune systems in people with cancer.
Cincinnati Children's Hospital is one of a number of leading health centers in the U.S. that now uses healing touch therapy. "Research has demonstrated that patients who receive healing touch experience accelerated wound healing and relaxation, pain relief and general comfort," said a spokesman.
According to a Stanford University report, several studies are showing significant benefits in wound healing, pain and anxiety. It says touch therapy may also have positive effects on fracture healing and arthritis.
So – what does this have to do with you and why should you care?
Here's my experience. I adopted my wife's habit of touching others when I'm around them, and I think it's warmed my relationships substantially, both in my family and even among casual acquaintances.
I frequently pat someone on the shoulder or gently touch their arm when I'm saying something, particularly when complimenting them, greeting them or saying goodbye.
It seems to be acceptable to everyone, and what it has done to me is to make me feel more at home with others. I actually feel warmer towards everyone that I deal with these days, and I think that this habit of touching them is one of the reasons why.
Why don't you try an experiment? You can do this quietly, a little at a time, until you become comfortable reaching out to others even more.
Try to increase the number of times that you touch the people around you. It can be as concrete as my wife or my father — laying your hand on someone's forearm or on their shoulder – or even just a quick friendly pat.
We learn in NLP that touches are anchors. So in effect, a touch on someone is like leaving a little physical reminder of your presence, your affection or your respect.
We're physical beings, after all. We've all got skins that are chock full of nerves. Touching and being touched brings us closer to each other.
When you make your contacts with others more physical you increase your impact. Touch is a powerful message, and a warm touch is like a smile with an echo — It lasts for a long time. Give it a try.
Seeya,
Tom Hoobyar
www.tomhoobyar.com
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This week's article reveals some conversational uses of advanced language patterns and advanced submodalities, covered in our Practitioner course on DVD as well as in our LIVE Practitioner Training.
"Last Call!" The 2010 Summer Practitioner Training is filling up. We promised to cap it at 20, and we're getting close.
There's time to call if you want to reserve your place this summer. This is the last time the Practitioner Courses will be offered before the summer of 2011, so if you skip it now you'll have to wait a year for your chance! Click Here or call 303-987-2224
Best,
Tom Dotz
PS: Hypnotherapy Certification: Another revealing use of advanced language patterns: The warm and masterful Michael Watson is back this year to enable you to become a fully certified Hypnotherapist in just a week. Click Here
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About Personal Independence
By Tom Hoobyar
Article Word Count 1290, average reading time 5.2 minutes.
I had a client recently who complained about not feeling like he was "his own person."
"It's like I live my whole life for others, and I never really feel worthy."
Pretty funny, since he an attorney, partner in a large firm employing a couple hundred lawyers.
"So how do you act at work?" I asked.
"Oh, then I'm being the Guy in Charge, so that's a no-brainer," he answered. "It's when I stop to think about where my life is going that I come up blank."
I realized that I had heard this story dozens of times in the years I've been working with high-powered clients. Most of them were so busy getting through school and being "super-stars" that they never really found out what it was like to just be themselves.
Then again, I've also heard the same thing from working moms, cab drivers and waitresses, and unemployed combat veterans.
Hmmm. Something important here.
All of these good people, no matter what walk of life they were in, have come up missing in the "independence" department.
Forty years ago there was an amazing British television series, called "The Prisoner." It was about a man, some sort of former secret agent, who was imprisoned in a resort village by an anonymous government that wanted him to become a number.
"I am not a number," he would shout at the voice in the opening of each episode, "I am a Free Man!" It was an interesting series, exploring the mindset of a person who, although his body was imprisoned, remained free in his mind.
And now today, even in a relatively free country, there seem to be a lot of people who don't feel particularly independent.
How about you? Do you feel like you need to be more "your own person?"
A feeling of independence is an attitude, and attitudes are a matter of choice.
The choice may be unconscious like most of our choices. But when an attitude is important, it may be created. When you need to do that, all you need is a method.
Here are a couple of exercises (or thought experiments) that will make a quick difference in your degree of personal independence:
1) Your self-image
Find some time when you can be undisturbed, and relax. Look inside yourself to see what you call up when you consider yourself.
Is it a picture? Is it realistic? Is it flattering or negative? What do you see in your mind's eye? Is there any kind of commentary running in the background, whispering into your ear? Is it flattering or a teardown?
If you become aware of any negative commentary about yourself, why don't you consider changing it? I mean, how much fun do you have if you are allowing some old tape in your head to brainwash you and make you feel bad about yourself? So argue with it, and in your own voice make a commentary about your good points.
As to your visual image, consider this — what image of you would a person that loved you see when thinking of you? How would that picture differ from yours? If a person that loved you sees you as a better self than you do, how about adopting their picture?
When you get a picture of yourself that makes you feel good, enrich the image, make the colors brighter, and perhaps turn it into a 3-D movie.
2. Your "other-image"
Your "other-image" is what I call the image you have inside your head whenever you think of someone else. When you think of someone else, someone who has an influence with you, what kind of image do you see?
I know it'll be different person to person. Whether you're talking about a lover, parent, friend, or child, the image will be different. If you look at the images of two or three people whose opinion you value — whose opinion might even change a decision of yours — if you look at their images you will probably find some visual quality that's common. The images might all have the same expression, give you the same feeling, or be equally bright or in the same place (where you look to see the imaginary image in your mind).
Anyway, make up a sample of a typical other-image (sort of an average of all the people whose opinion might influence you.) Notice the character of these "other-image," and see if they make you feel too dependent or smaller than you really are.
Then switch to your "adjusted" self-image, which you fine-tuned in exercise number one. Adjust it a little further if you need to strengthen the loving kindness that is the way you want to look at your self-image.
Then switch back to your "other-image", and make sure it is smaller and further away than your self-image.
Switch back and forth, making the adjustments in each image till they both feel fine and comfortable to you. You need to keep checking the feelings triggered in you by each image. Keep switching until the images don't need any more changes made.
From now on you might feel less concerned what opinions others might have regarding your choices and decisions.
3) Dealing with boundaries
While sitting still, close your eyes and feel the space around you. Notice how much space you enclose in your personal boundary. It may be very close to your clothing, or it may be a few inches to a few feet beyond the boundaries of your physical body. Just notice where the edge is at the moment.
Now, for an experiment, change it so that your "personal space" includes the entire room you are sitting in. Notice any changes in your feeling that may follow. Take your time.
Now enlarge it, so that you include the entire building you are sitting in. Of course, your point of view enlarges with it — so now you know what to do when I ask that you see what it feels like to enlarge your space again, so that you encompass the entire block where you are sitting. If you are in the country, imagine that your personal space includes the entire parcel of land you are on.
Once again enlarge your boundaries, so that you include the whole county, then the whole state or province you are in, with all the birds, animals, people and everything in it.
Now enlarge your personal space so that you encompass the entire planet Earth. Again, notice how it feels to have the whole planet within your personal space.
Okay, now gradually shrink it back down, stopping whenever you wish, until the edge of your personal bubble is now somewhere more comfortable and natural feeling.
Interesting feeling, isn't it? Now, just for curiosity, check how your adjusted self-image looks. Does it feel any different than it did before the boundary experiment? And your other-image. Are the people in the image perhaps smaller or farther away?
Enjoy these, and feel free to teach them to others if you like. We can't have too much independence in this country.
Seeya,
Tom Hoobyar www.tomhoobyar.com
(More examples of advanced submodalities and language patterns can be found in The Living Encyclopedia of NLP)
Filed under Applying NLP Now, NLP Weekly Tip, Practice & Processes, Stories and Metaphors by
Deciding to learn? Can't quite get motivated? Strategies: The Commanding NLP Model
A Story, a Video, a Process, and Announcements Three: This week in NLP!
From the questions and comments I see around the web it's evident that NLP is becoming known more and more as a bundle of "patterns" or "techniques," mostly concerned with some aspect of self-improvement. That is a sadly limited view.
These are simply applications of NLP, or as Grinder once said, the trail left behind by NLP developments. NLP itself, as the originals envisioned it, is a whole lot more. It's the operating system itself, not just the application suite.
Every process in NLP is based on aspects of one or more of the models of subjective experience that comprise NLP. If you're new to NLP, only had a run-of-the-mill NLP education, you may not be aware that modalities and representational systems, for instance, are models, not processes or techniques.
You may have just been stepped through a motivation strategy or a decision strategy as if that was all there was to Strategy Model. Strategies is one of the most overlooked of the original NLP Models. It's odd that it has been so overlooked when you realize that every NLP technique is a strategy. Eliciting Strategies was the first major application of eye accessing detection in NLP. It is also one of the most effective and commanding models of NLP to learn so of course it takes a bit more commitment.
"Most therapy and by extension human potential/peak performance (techniques) obsess with a two state phase transition. That is, getting out of a bad/undesirable state and/or getting into a good/highly desired state, or limiting belief to unlimiting belief, etc. Once accomplished, you're done. You're there, never changing.
Strategies, in contrast, starts with the observation (NLP did start with observation) that over time, an individual/system of individuals transitions though many behaviors (including accessing cues) and states - desirable states, undesirable states – and much more. Each of these states has associated cognitive and behavioral skills, so that experience can be perceived as sequence(s) adapting over time. Looking for neuro-linguistic constituents, NLPs founders settled on (at that time) the recently discovered representational systems. And they were aware that sequential phenomena is scalar (now called fractals). That is, that there are sequences of representation, behavior, interaction, emotional states, beliefs and more." – Charles Faulkner
Naturally, you can get tremendous personal benefit from NLP processes without even being able to spell strategies. (Although if you want to be an excellent speller, or teach someone else to be, learning and using the spelling strategy takes you there.
"Strategies is also has some of the most complex material in NLP. So after strategies, everything else is coasting (downhill). That includes most advanced trainings." – Steve and Connirae Andreas
If you're more interested in direct applications, the New Behavior Generator is a great example of the development of a process from a model, in this case the Strategies model. We'll start gently today with Strategies with the classic introduction from the "24 Day Practitioner Training Manual, Trainer Edition" then in the weeks to come we'll move into application areas like accelerated learning and decision making. The source material we'll be using is from the "Practitioner Training Trainer's Manual" which codified NLP Practitioner Training at its most thorough.)
So go here to get started: Intro to Strategies; Napoleon and the Furrier or here:
New Behavior Generator Process: Video and/or Text Version
Best,
Tom Dotz
PS: Announcements Three! Reminder: Comprehensive Practitioner Certification: You still have five days left to save on the best ever NLP Certification. Considered advanced training by most, this is where we start you on the path to real accomplishment with NLP. Click Here http://www.nlpco.com/training/practitioner-training/
Hypnotherapy Certification: The warm and masterful Michael Watson is back this year to enable you to become a fully certified Hypnotherapist in just a week. – and you can still save here too. Click Here: http://www.nlpco.com/training/advanced-hypnotherapy/
Advanced Master Training: For NLP Master Practitioners only, this is a unique tour-de-force of the latest in advanced NLP. A roster of world famed NLP developers awaits you, and now you can bring a friend at a special savings! Click Here: http://www.nlpco.com/training/2010-advanced-mastery-program/
If you'd like to move at your own pace and have your own personal copy of the NLP Comprehensive Practitioner Certification Trainer's Manual, I put them on sale at $100 off now for you. Click Here
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Excerpted from the NLP Comprehensive "Trainer's Edition Practitioner Training Manual"
11oo words, 4.0 minutes reading time
Opening Metaphor: Napoleon and the Furrier.[1]
Once when Napoleon was invading Russia, he was battling in the middle of a small town, when he inadvertently got separated from his own troops. A group of Russian Cossacks spotted him, and began chasing him.
Napoleon took off running, and ducked into a little Furrier shop on a side street. Napoleon sees the furrier and cries "Save me, save me! Where can I hide?" The furrier says "Quick, under this big pile of furs in the corner," and he covers Napoleon all up with furs.
No sooner has he finished when the Russian Cossacks burst in the door. "Where is he? We saw him come in." They tear the whole place apart trying to find Napoleon. They poke into the pile of skins with their swords, but don't find him. Soon they give up, and leave.
After some time, Napoleon creeps out from under the furs, unharmed. The furrier turns to Napoleon and says, "Excuse me for asking this question of such a great man, but how did it feel to be under there, knowing that any moment might be your last?"
At that moment, Napoleon's personal guards came in the door. Napoleon replied to the furrier, "How could you ask such a question of me, the emperor Napoleon!! Guards, take this impudent man out, blindfold him, and execute him.
I, myself, will give the command to fire!" The guards took the poor furrier out, blindfolded him, and stood him up against a wall. The furrier could see nothing as he heard Napoleon call out "Ready,…aim,…."
After a long period of silence the furrier heard footsteps approaching him and the blindfold was taken from his eyes. He saw Napoleon's face looking deeply into his eyes for several seconds, and then Napoleon softly said, "Now you know."
Either don't explain the story, or offer the following frame: The furrier's question asked for a bunch of words, and Napoleon gave him experience. When you're doing NLP, keep in mind that experience is what will change someone; words alone won't. In this section we'll be teaching strategies. Parts of it are a bit on the cognitive side, and it's useful to keep in mind that this, too, is only useful if it results in creating an experience in someone else.
Frames: Strategies will be the content for the next four days of training. We will be covering Decision and Motivation strategies in quite a lot of detail, because they are so basic and important in everything we do. We will also cover spelling strategies, Learning strategies, and some other specific skill strategies.
Definition: A strategy is a sequence of representations that leads to a particular outcome.
At any moment in time, you might be making an image of what you will do during the break (V), feel good about it (K), say something to yourself about it (Ad), etc. If you only think of the sequence of experience, you end up with an infinite string of A's, V's and K's. In a lifetime you could make quite a long list! So it's useful to punctuate this infinite string of A's V's and K's in terms of outcomes. You can talk about dancing strategies, singing strategies, spelling strategies, math strategies, etc.
Strategies are much like phone numbers. If you want to get a certain outcome (to reach a certain person) you need to get all the right numbers in the right sequence. If you get even one number out of order, or you leave one out, you'll never get the right person at the other end. You can practice dialing the wrong phone number over and over, and you still won't reach the person you want.
We have found that learning about strategies changes your perceptions in an important and fundamental way. It gives you an underlying framework for understanding which changes need to be made, and what impact they will have, so that your work becomes much cleaner, more precise, and more ecological‑‑even if you never do formal strategy elicitation after this training. It allows you to be much more precise in exactly where and how your use all the other NLP patterns and techniques you have learned: anchoring, reframing, etc.
Working directly with strategies makes it possible to make very pervasive change. If you give someone a new decision strategy, you've made a change that will affect something they do hundreds of times each day.
You have already done a lot of "strategies work" without knowing it (like the man who was pleased to discover that he'd been speaking "prose" all his life). When you Future‑Pace you are connecting the stimulus to the task or memory you want to bring to mind at that time. This could be noted as at right:
When you learned the circle of excellence, you learned how to connect a resource state to a specific cue or context in the same way (chaining).
Any effective change results in a change in the person's ongoing pictures, sounds, and feelings, so you can always describe any change as a change in strategy. The New Behavior Generator is an example of a specific strategy, or sequence, that you taught someone to go through. It's a little longer than future‑pacing but it, too, is only a string of representations leading to a specific outcome‑‑in this case accessing new behaviors to use when you feel stuck. If we were to use Strategy notation we could write the following:
M
K_ ‑‑‑> Vc ‑‑‑> (decide ‑‑‑> Vr ‑‑‑> Vc ‑‑‑> K+ ‑‑‑> Ad
on Ac
feel see model) see see/hear E.C. "Do I
stuck self model's self want
dissociated behavior doing it?"
behavior
Vc M Vc
A ‑‑‑> K+ ‑‑‑> Ad ‑‑‑> A Future‑Pace in
K tp K tp all systems associated.
Associate "Do I still
want it?"
In a way, the material from this weekend and next is all extra for you. You won't be tested on this. You've already been taught most of the material you'll be tested on, so that means you can really relax and just enjoy learning, and take it all in from now on.
Strategies is also the most complex set of material in NLP, so after strategies, everything else is coasting (downhill). That includes most advanced training.
Many NLP centers leave strategies out of their Practitioner Trainings entirely, or cover it in such a superficial way that they may as well have left it out. When we teach advanced trainings in other areas, we notice an important difference in the way people think when they haven't been exposed to this material. People who have this background do better at learning other patterns, particularly at the advanced level, because they have a better overall grasp of what change is all about, and how all the different skills and techniques fit together.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You may also wish to explore or review the New Behavior Generator Process: Video and/or Text Version
If you'd like to move at your own pace and have your own personal copy of the NLP Comprehensive Practitioner Certification Trainer's Manual, I put them on sale at $100 off now for you.
http://shop.nlpco.com/ProductDetails.asp?ProductCode=200M
[1]With thanks to Greg Brodsky who told us this story.
Filed under Applying NLP Now, Applying NLP Now, Practice & Processes, Stories and Metaphors by
