Solutions: Enhancing Love, Sex, and Relationships

Solutions by Leslie Cameron-Bandler

DESCRIPTION: This is a book about fulfillment and choice. The practical and effective solutions presented in the following pages will enable you, if you choose, to convert the promise of personal satisfaction and fulfillment into reality.

Although the material in this book is used by clinicians in the field of psychology, all of the concepts and methods are discussed in everyday terms. Each important point is amplified with anecdotes and actual examples from my rich background in helping people achieve happier and more fulfilling lives. Even though the presentation of this material is oriented around couple relationships and sexual functioning, it is important to know that these techniques are just as effective in producing desired change in all of the other significant areas of life. The following set of resources is a therapist’s guidebook that anyone can use to resolve problems and make their life more of what they want it to be.

This revised and expanded edition of this work (formerly titled They Lived Happily Ever After) contains all of the methods and techniques formulated by my colleagues and me during our development of the field of Nero-Linguistic Programming (NLP). That remains unchanged; none of the original book has been deleted since each item has proven its value in creating positive change. But while this book has received a generous and enthusiastic response over the years, time has not stood still and even an excellent product of the past needs updating and improvement.

In addition to stylistic revisions, I have added several important new techniques that I developed during the past few years. These techniques work to remedy problems that were generally considered unsolvable when I first wrote this book. The new sections on the threshold pattern in relationships (Chapters 9 and 17) are especially relevant to anyone who wants to understand the process of falling in and out of love, and to everyone who wants to know what to do to maintain a loving an supportive relationship.

I have written this book for anyone who wants the experience of sexual fulfillment and nurturing relationships to reside within the realm of choice and control. The information contained in the following pages is for seekers and doers, people who will not settle for less when they know that more is within reach.

Be comfortable and curious as you read this book. Recognize yourself and others in the descriptions and stories. Practice the techniques–they work. Use what you are about to learn, and enjoy.

LCB–Tony, what would you like changed with your wife and you to make you happy?
Tony–I’d like her to stop her bitching and nagging me all the time.
LCB–And you, Nancy, what would you like changed?
LCB–Yes, but what, specifically, about him? Pick something to start with.
Nancy–His constant moping and whining. I can’t stand it.
LCB–Okay, you want him to stop moping and whining and he wants you to stop bitching.
Tony–So we trade?
LCB–I don’t think that would work for very long. Tony, I want you to really think about this very
carefully. What is it you would really like Nancy to do when you’re moping around? Now, really think about it and tell me when you have an answer. While he’s doing that, I’d like you, Nancy, to do the same about your nagging.
Nancy–Oh, that’s easy. I want him to get off his ass and do something around the house.
LCB–So, what you’re really after with all that nagging is to get a helpful response out of Tony. Is that right? [Intention separated from behavior.] Nancy–Yes.
Tony–Well, what I really want is some support from Nancy–for her to understand how tired I get and not to pressure me.
LCB–So, when you’re moping about what you’re really after is some support? [Intention separated from behavior.] Tony–How, specifically, would you like Nancy to support you?
Tony–You know, maybe put her arms around me, pamper me a little, make me feel appreciated.
LCB–So, if she came and put her arms around you and pampered you, talked to you–nice things like that–you would feel supported by her. Right?
Tony–Yeah, I would.
LCB–Well, what I know is that right now the way you let her know that you want her support is to mope around. And your moping around just makes her want to nag and bitch at you. Right, Nancy?
LCB–Now, wanting to be supported is fine, and getting that wanted support is important. But you’ve been doing just exactly the right thing to get nagging and bitching and just the wrong thing to get supported, at least by Nancy. So, congratulations, you now have the perfect way to get Nancy to bitch at you.
Tony–Oh, thanks a lot.
LCB–Would you like some ways to actually get from Nancy what you do want?
Tony–Of course, but I’ll be damned if I know how.
LCB–I believe you. But there’s someone in this room who could tell you exactly how to get the support you want.
Tony–So tell me already.
LCB–Oh, I don’t know, but she does. Nancy, what is it that this man could do that would get him the needed support? Only you know. [Nancy is used in the same manner as a creative part.] Nancy–Well, I never thought about…
LCB–Now’s your chance. You can tell him how to act instead of that moping. He was just moping to get your attention, but the attention he got wasn’t the kind he wanted. So, what could Tony do that would get you to put your arms around him, pamper him a little. You know, that sort of thing.
Nancy–Well, if he was just nice to me.
LCB–Let’s be more specific. Can you remember ever feeling like you wanted to do just what it is he wants?
Nancy–Well, sure, I must’ve sometime.
LCB–That’s right. And what did he do to get you to feel like doing that?
Nancy–I’m not sure he ever did this, but if he would just come and put his arms around me and tell me he’s dead tired or wiped out and that he needs me, I’d fall all over myself pampering him.
LCB–Great. Listen to that, Tony. There’s your answer. Can you do that? Put your arms around her and tell her you’re dead tired and that you need her?
Tony–Sure, I can do that; it just never occurred to me, that’s all.
LCB–Do you know when you need that support, Tony? I mean, do you have a way of telling when it’s time to get yourself some support, instead of time to mope? [Establish context to generate new behavior.] Tony–Oh, yeah, I know that. I can really feel it when things are slipping out from under me. That’s when I need support.
LCB–That’s beautiful. So, do you both think this new arrangement is better than the old one? Tony–Yeah.
LCB–Good. Now, about that nagging… [The re framing process continued, with Nancy using Tony as the creative part.]

The Puzzle of Marital Difficulties
The Factors that Make a Difference
The Importance of Rapport
Assessing Cognitive Behaviors
Utilizing Representational Systems
Detecting Congruity and Incongruity
Establishing a Well-Formed Outcome
Learning How a Problem Occurs
Falling In and Out of Love
Changing Personal History
Visual-Kinesthetic Dissociation
Re framing
Looking at Yourself through the Eyes of Someone Who Loves You
Therapeutic Metaphor
Re-evaluating Relationships

This book is probably the best introduction to NLP. Leslie Cameron-Bandler is a highly-gifted and caring therapist.
Eric Robbed, Human Potential Magazine

Solutions is a like a magical map, designed to assist anyone interested in more successfully getting to where they want to go and more happily navigating the realms of human interactions.
Mark Roc he, Parents Theosophical Research Group Parents Bulletin

Cameron-Bandler has learned and taught some remarkably effective ways for families and couple to succeed in their efforts to break through communication barriers.
Journal of Marital and Family Therapy

“A first-class primer, a well-organized and easily-read survey of all the basic premises and techniques of Nero-Linguistic Programming.”
Bill Bergman, NANLP Newsletter

“My favorite NLP book. The author, an outstanding counselor and one of the developers of NLP, has compassionate friendliness and honesty as well as expertise.”
Nancy Freedom, Nero-Linguistic Programming Bibliography

Solutions is well-written and does a good job of explaining both NLP and NLP techniques. I would recommend this book, even for the skeptics of NLP.”
Family Relations: Journal of Applied Family & Child Studies

“One could hardly ask for a better demonstration of NLP’s potential power or the effectiveness of Cameron-Bandler’s presentation.”
Sex Information & Education Council of the US

BACKCOVER: Can you convey passion? Intimacy? Love? Tenderness? Do you know how to use the touches, tastes, sounds and signs of lovemaking to have more profound and beautiful experiences?

Written by a co-developer of Nero-Linguistic Programming as a guide for sex therapists, Solutions is a set of simple and reliable techniques used to remedy couple and sexual problems.

Solutions is a book that takes a demonstrated contemporary psychology beyond the therapist, delivering it to the hands of anyone committed to being well and happy.

What readers say about Solutions:
“When my daughter got married I gave her this book so she could know how to make her happiness last. It’s the book I wish my mother could have given me.”

I learned how to make my wife feel loved, out of bed as well as in.”

“This book is my Bible for doing therapy.”

AUTHOR BIO: Leslie Cameron-Bandler is one of the few women who have been responsible for the creation of a new discipline. An internationally-known therapist, author, trainer and CO-developer of Nero-Linguistic Programming (NLP), Leslie has helped thousands of people learn how to achieve richer sexual experiences and more fulfilling relationships. This book is the result of her desire to make available the step-by-step techniques she knows will work quickly and effectively for anyone.

I have specialized for many years in working with troubled couples, as well as couples and individuals suffering sexual dysfunction. As a result of my experience and background I developed therapeutic models and techniques for correcting relationship problems and sexual dysfunction. These models have come about as a result of studying such therapeutic wizards as Fritz Pearls, Virginia Satir and Milton Erickson; doing therapy with countless couples, individuals, and families; and through seminars with a variety of professional communicators.

My purpose in modeling human experience is to overcome limitations and transform them into possibilities rich with choices. The purpose of this book is to make available to you the information and skills which make it possible to be successful in helping people establish enriching and fulfilling couple relationships, including mutually-satisfying sexual expression. The skills presented in this book include perceptual and behavioral options you need to transform a person’s experience from a set of limitations to a set of choices. Each model and change technique includes a behavioral outcome that is easily-testable and verifiable in your sensory experience, leaving no doubt about its validity.

A model is a representation of experience, in the same way that a map is a representation of an area of territory, or a model airplane is a representation of a full-sized functioning airplane. The models presented here are blueprints for moving from unwanted to wanted experience. These models of change satisfy four conditions: (1) they work to produce the results they were designed for, (2) they are described in a step-by-step manner, so they are learnable and reproducible, (3) they are elegant, i.e., they use the least number of steps necessary to achieve the outcome, and (4) they are independent of content and deal with the form of the process, and therefore have universal applicability.

The models of change presented here use explicit, operational procedures to move a person from one specific experience to another. It is possible to give people directions that, when followed, will results in their arrival at the desired location. What is needed is knowledge of the present location, knowledge of the desired location, and knowledge of the possible routes between the two. If you have an overview of a maze, it is quite simple to chart a path from the center of the maze to freedom. Without such an overview you would waste precious time and energy on circular wanderings and dead ends. This book shows you how to determine the present or existing experiential location and how to specify the desired experiential location; it also provides choices (with instructions) for going from one to another.