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Resolving Grief

by Steve Andreas

Since everyone experiences significant losses if they live long enough, a method for rapidly dealing with the grief response is useful for a wide variety of clients of all ages.  Many clients may not recognize a link between unresolved grief and their current difficulties.

To understand the underlying basis of the grief resolution method which my wife Connor and I developed about ten years ago, think of someone who is very special to you, but who is not physically near you at the moment, and notice how you picture that person in your mind. . . .

When I do this with my wife, who is in town on errands, she is standing by my left side, life-size and breathing, and she feels present with me, almost as if she were actually in the room.  The good feelings that I have had with her are readily available to me, and we call this an associated experience.  This is only one of many ways to represent an absent loved one, but all of them will result in a sense of the loved one's felt presence.

In contrast, someone who is grieving always pictures the lost person as distant or absent in some way.  When they think of the person in this dissociated way, they cannot experience the good feelings they previously enjoyed, resulting in a sense of emptiness and loss.  The specific way that a client represents the lost person as absent varies enormously from person to person.  They may see the lost person as a ghostly image, or see a dent in the bed but no one is there, or see the person as if they are on TV, etc.

 It's important to realize that these two ways of mentally representing a loved person are independent of "reality" someone who experiences separation anxiety is representing the person as absent, even though the relationship still exists.  And those who have successfully grieved represent the loved person as present, even though the relationship is over.

A common mistake clients make is to picture the lost love in the throes of terminal cancer, or in the last heated argument just before the breakup.  This is not the precious experience that the person is grieving for, and it gets in the way of recovering the special feelings that the client had with the lost person.

The first step in resolving grief is to find out how the client represents a person in "felt presence" To discover this, we ask the client to think of:  1) a loved person who is not physically present, as described earlier, or better yet,  2) a person who is dead or no longer in the clients' life, yet when the client thinks of this person it is with a presently-felt sense of the love, comfort, etc. that the client experienced at the time the valued relationship actually occurred.  Exactly how someone visualizes this kind of experience will vary considerably from one client to another, so it is important to find out how this particular client does it.  This information will then be used as an individual "template" to transform the grief experience into one of felt presence, in which the person can enjoy the good feelings of the lost relationship as if it were still occurring.

Next we find out how the client represents the lost person who is the object of grief and loss.  The first question is whether they think of the loved one at a time when all the wonderful qualities of the relationship were present.  If, instead, they think of the loved one near death, or in the argument that ended the relationship, we say "Look, this is not what you miss; what you miss are the special qualities of  the relationship you had with this person--the love, comfort, stability, tenderness, humor, spontaneity, or whatever was very special to you about the experiences you shared with that person.  Instead of thinking about the end of the relationship, I want you to think of a special time when things were particularly good between you."

 Changing the content of the image in this way often temporarily increases the feeling of loss, because the image is still one that is separate or dissociated from the client in some way.  It is important to proceed directly to using the template of felt presence as a guide to transforming this experience into an associated image from which the client can re-experience the good feelings.  Often this involves making the image larger or closer, changing it from a dead, still picture into a living movie, stepping into the movie, etc. Whatever is indicated by the "template" experience of this particular client.  When the client re-associates into this experience, there are often tears, but they are not tears of loss, but tears of reunion, and they typically do not last long.

The relief that people experience through this process is immediate and lasting, and it is a far cry from the "acceptance" or resignation that so many settle for.  By reuniting with the lost experience, the client regains access to all the special feelings they had with that person, and continues to carry these resourceful feelings with them into future relationships.  As one client who had been grieving for a lost infant for over six months said, a week after a session: I am flying high! 

There are many other applications of this method that can only be briefly mentioned here.  It can be used for any "mid-life" crisis, when a cherished dream of success, a child, or whatever is lost.  Even though the client never actually had the content of the dream in reality, it was so real in their mind that the realization that it will not occur can provoke severe grief.  It can also be used for abused clients who are grieving for a loving and secure childhood that they never experienced.  "Pre-grieving" can release an ongoing relationship from the dependence and clinging behavior that is based on the fear of future loss.  The method can also be used for separation anxiety and for other kinds of losses: things, activities, and location.  For some people the loss of a cherished ring, the loss of the ability to play a life-long sport, or the loss of a family home can be as severe as the loss of a loved person. 

Although the brief sketch of the method presented here is enough to work for many clients, there are many specific situations for which a broader understanding of NLP methods are required.  For instance, if the death was traumatic, the phobia/trauma cure (Andreas 1989, Chapter 7) must first be used with this incident before resolving the grief.  If the client has significant anger or resentment toward the lost person, it will be necessary to first help the client reach forgiveness.  For further details about these methods, see (Andreas 1989, Chapter 11); for further information about the basic NLP approach, see (Andreas, 1987).

Steve Andreas is an NLP Trainer and developer of new patterns with his wife Connirae.  Steve and Connirae are the authors of Heart of the Mind and Change Your Mind--and Keep the Change, and co-founders of NLP Comprehensive in Colorado. Steve  has produced over twenty-five videotaped and audio taped demonstrations of NLP methods.  Published with permission Copyright 1997, 1999 All Rights Reserved Steve Andreas

References:
   Andreas, S. (1991). Virginia Satir: The Patterns of Her Magic. Mountain View, CA: Science and Behavior Books.
   Andreas, S. & Andreas, C. (1989). Heart of the Mind. Moab, UT: Real People Press.
   Andreas, S. & Andreas, C. (1987). Change Your Mind and Keep the Change. Moab UT: Real People Press.